From Mormon to Atheist

Be out and be normal.

2012-01-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

My post from We Are Atheism.

Hi! I'm Leia, and I am a mother and a wife. I love baking, sewing, needlepoint, reading, crocheting and music. I am a geek and probably always have been. Oh, and I am also an Atheist.

I was raised in a Mormon household. I was the stereotypical annoying religious girl in High School. I even gave most of my friends Books of Mormon with my testimony tucked inside. I was on the straight and narrow path to marrying a return missionary in the temple and having as many kids as I could pop out. But then a funny thing happened, somewhere along my path, I became an Atheist.

I can't truly pinpoint the moment I lost my firm grip on my religion. It was a process, a long process, that took years.

In college, I dated boys outside of Mormonism, which was frowned upon, and they helped me start to question things that I had always accepted on face value. I even married a non-member and even worse, we eloped to Sin City. I had become a 'Jack Mormon'. I struggled to stay active in the church, but I didn't really want to go. My husband attended more than I did and he wasn't even born and raised Mormon.

Then, it happened. A thing called Prop. 8. My family was on one side, and I found myself on the other. I felt at war with myself. I had been slowly changing over the years and almost didn't even realize it until my values and ideals were at odds with what my family and the Prophet were saying that god would want. That moment at my mother's dinner table I realized that I could no longer be Mormon. I could no longer be counted with them. I could no longer be okay with raising my daughters to follow blindly.

After that I tried so hard to find god somewhere else. I tried to find him in non-denominational Christianity, I tried to find him in Nature, Science, Buddhism... but he was no where. And then it clicked, and I was able to let go of the idea that he had to be somewhere.

I started reading atheist blogs, cartoons, books and forums. I started thinking for myself, coming to my own conclusions and something happened that I never, ever imagined could; I felt happy. Truly happy. Instead of brushing off questions by using a god based answer, I was really learning why rainbows appear and how Newton proved the spectrum of light, how evolution works and what natural selection is. And the more I filled my head with knowledge, the less I needed a god.

It changed me as a mother. I am still the geek I always was, but now I look at my children as the real miracles they are. They weren't predestined to me mine, but I am responsible for them, for teaching them and molding them into the freethinking people they will one day become. And that is so much better than any god reason that I have ever believed.

I keep my atheism to myself for the most part. I never really 'came out', because walking away from Mormonism, even though at the time I still believed in god, was enough to put major strain on the relationship I had with my family. I may as well have become a baby eating devil worshiper.

I told my husband one night, and he shrugged it off, he loved me for me, not my beliefs in a deity. My children know I don't believe in god and they go back and forth between believing and not believing in god, unicorns, faeries, monsters and Santa. They'll make up their minds when they are ready.

The rainbow lining.

2011-10-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

I am thankful for Proposition 8.

Before you wonder what is wrong with me, let me explain. I try my hardest to see the silver lining, even if it's a stretch. Honestly, in the best scenario I can imagine, there would never have been a need for Prop 22 or Prop 8. I would love to have been born into a world where love between two adults was never viewed as wrong.

(Or ten adults, who am I to put boundaries on love?)

But Prop 8 did happen. It happened in my lifetime, in my both daughters' lifetime. And that is inexcusable. But without it, I don't think I would have ever fully walked away from Mormonism. And that would be tragic for me. I am not saying that my fellow Americans being denied the right to marry isn't exponentially more tragic, because it is. I am saying that there is a silver lining, at least in my little world.

Watching Prop 8 unfold in real time over the course of months, listening to both sides of the argument, and seeing the passion from both sides of my family and my husband, led me down my own path of logic. I started to see how people wanted to push their own personal values into state law, and I started to realize how unconstitutional that is.

I have never really viewed my children as 'mine'. They are people, not possessions. I see them as their own individual people. They are always allowed to think their own thoughts and draw their own conclusions. How could I be okay with them growing up only to find they may not be able to marry the person they love? I couldn't let that happen; I won't let that happen.

I feel guilty that it took my own selfish reasons to be able to view gay rights as human rights. I wish I was born into a home where this life was more cherished than an afterlife. But here I am, now, right now and I am grateful that Prop. 8 forced me to view the world in a more loving, open light.

I cried when the numbers came in on November 4th, 2008. I couldn't believe Prop. 8 passed. And for the very first time, I wrote a letter to my Representatives and the Governor. I couldn't believe we were voting on civil rights. How could people claim rights for themselves that they were denying their fellow humans?

I was ecstatic when Judge Walker overturned Prop 8, and I hope in the near future all people will be able to marry in California again. And I am so very happy to see more and more states allow civil unions. And that may be enough for some, but I know I will not be satisfied until we have marriage equality. The love I have for my husband and the strength of my marriage can only become more meaningful when the joys and protections that I have because of it, are available for everyone.

Celebrating two years as an Atheist

2011-08-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

My Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard.

I am so fortunate to have found the strength and the knowledge to leave religion.

I will be forever grateful to every atheist I encountered in 2009 who helped me, who answered my questions and who showed me where to find out the answers if they didn't know them. Including a few authors, whose writings will be read and reread for many years to come.

I am thankful to every Christian who posed questions on the Craigslist ATFO, without reading all the well thought out answers by Atheists, I wouldn't have been able to start seeing the light.

I am so grateful to have found joy in my life, which has replaced almost all of the guilt.

I am very thankful that my husband, who married me while I was religious, has stuck by my side throughout my journey. He has been a shoulder to cry on, and a wonderful support. I couldn't ask for a better life partner or best friend.

I am so happy that I realized religion was a pile of bullshit, before I started to brainwash my children. With the way I was raised to handle and feel guilt, I don't know if I could have lived with myself if I had walked away from religion after having started my children down the path of Mormonism.

I am so grateful that there are organizations like the Center for Inquiry, UU churches, Foundation Beyond Belief and the Freedom From Religion Foundation.

Want to make your own billboard? Go to www.ffrf.org/out to try it yourself!

The Planetarium

2011-06-23T12:56:00.000-07:00

For every birthday that comes along in our family, we try to do something special. This past week my husband not only celebrated his birthday, but Father's Day followed shortly after. We decided to head down to the Indianapolis Children's Museum, as it was the request of our two daughters and their father loves them enough to give up his fishing plans.

The Indianapolis Children's Museum is huge. It has 5 floors of exhibits, which could fill 2-3 days full of learning fun. It has a working antique carousel, paleontologists on hand, a theater, a library, and a planetarium. It is absolutely awesome.

My girls recognized the building, even though it's been over a year since we had visited. They kept thanking us for bringing them to the museum and became giggly as we parked the car. They skipped across the bridge into the museum, and waited anxiously in the line to get in.

They posed for a few pictures for me, as the museum had an awesome display of famous paintings made with Jelly Bellies, that I just had to capture.

When we headed down to the Dinosphere to check out the dinosaur exhibit, we passed a Super Croc skeleton. A museum employee had a table set up for the children to see and touch the Super Croc's teeth. The museum employee asked the girls where their teeth are, my girls obliged, opening their mouths for the lady to see.

The employee asked Kate if any of her teeth were loose yet, and Kate said no. The employee then told Kate to keep her teeth when they fall out, as she could put them under her pillow for the tooth fairy to collect in exchange for money. Without missing a beat, Kate looked quizzically at the adult woman in front of her and said, "The tooth fairy isn't real." I know that surprised the employee, as Kate is of the age to believe in things like that. But Kate has no reason to, as I have never lied to her.

When they had a choice between going to the Science exhibit or going to the Barbie exhibit, they chose Science. They love dolls, they love to play, but when given the choice, they wanted to experiment, they wanted to learn. And that made me so proud.

Towards the end of our visit we decided to watch the last showing of "Wonders of the Universe", which goes from the beginning of time to present day in regards to the Universe. It uses images captured by the Hubble telescope, and is full of scientific explanations.

In the introduction, the narrator said that watching this show was akin to 'being able to see through the eyes of god'. I chuckled a little because it caught me a little off guard and I almost felt like the science behind it was being apologetic to the potential religious folks in the audience. Like they had to say something ignorant in order to help the devout religious folks retain interest in the rest of the show.

My girls watched in awe as we saw groups of stars, suns and planets, galaxies and the Milky Way, right up through our Solar System. I was a proud momma, besides a few requests for a drink, my preschoolers watched and asked really good questions throughout.

As we were leaving the planetarium, my girls were bustling about with curiosities and questions. That is when the lady exiting in front of us opened her mouth and loudly stated, "That was all based on that no good Big Bang Theory. We all know that God Jesus created everything." Granted, I am sure she directed that ignorant statement towards the 10 year old boy she was with, but my children overheard it, as did everyone within 100 feet of her, which I believe was her intention.

It wasn't difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. I don't like confrontation, and that lady is free to believe whatever she wants to believe. It kinda saddened me that she was forcing that kind of ignorance onto her 10 year old companion, but it's a free country and not up to me to correct her. What I was able to do was pull aside my own freethinking children and start a little discussion on why that lady said those things.

My girls understand that some people believe in a god, some people believe in gods and goddesses, some people believe in Santa, some people believe in a heaven and some people believe in a devil. They know that I don't.

I don't correct them when they do decide to believe in things that I don't believe in, but they tend to change their mind about what is real and what isn't, as they are still only 4 and 5 years old. Which is fine. I am an atheist, they are not. They are too young to be able to know what they believe in. They are still sketchy about dragons and unicorns, how could they possibly know whether or not there is a divine power that controls us all and decides whether we all live and die? Or whether or not there is life after our bodies stop working?

But as long as I am able to teach them that science can prove many things, but not all (at least not yet), I know I am doing a good job raising my freethinkers.

Picture: The dinosaurs in front of the Indianapolis Children's Museum, trying to break in through the roof.

As life continues on...

2011-06-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

Every so often I take a moment out of my busy day and think about how different my life is from how it 'should have been'. Little things will trigger the overflow of happy thoughts, like missionaries riding their bikes up the street or even certain songs on the radio.

I should be married to a return missionary. I should have a calling in the church, I should have at least 2 additional children by now, I should have mastered the art of quilting and I should be staying at home raising my children. But I am not. My time isn't spent planning lessons for Sunday School, it's not spent quilting and practicing hymns on the piano for Sacrament Meeting, like I thought it would be when I was 12.

I have been keeping a journal since I was very young. I have a few journal entries from Kindergarten, but I didn't really start keeping a steady journal until I was about 9 years old. I love going back and reading my young developing thoughts. I love how I was planning on going to BYU, becoming a teacher, marrying a return missionary, having 17 children and being a stay at home mom. I love how I wanted to get married in the temple. I remember visiting the St. George Temple in Utah and falling in love with the building. That became my favorite temple and the one I wanted to be sealed in. (Sealed: Mormon speak for marriage, but a sealing is forever.)

Sweet memories from a life I used to live. I love looking back at how I embraced the life I was born into. I love how my friends wanted to be veterinarians and ballerinas and all I wanted to be was a mommy. I love reading how my story unfolded. I love how different I am from who I thought I would be. I love that I didn't accomplish any of those young goals.

But looking back at those goals I had set, it saddens me a bit that I wasn't taught to look for a kind, loving partner; I just focused on finding a return missionary. I wasn't taught to be responsible with procreating, I was just focused on having as many children as my body could pump out. I wasn't focused on my own education as a way to better myself for my future, I just focused on going to a Mormon University in the hopes I would find my future husband there. But the sting of sadness just helps me teach my daughters to focus their goals more responsibly.

Where I imagined I would be by the sweet age of 30 is so far from where I am. And it's not a bad thing. I don't feel like I failed somewhere along the way because I am not in a 1950's inspired apron wearing heels, baking brownies, cupcakes and apple pie while singing and dancing around the kitchen. Letting that image of my future self die was difficult, but long overdue.

Don't get me wrong, I do wish I would have finished college. I blame not earning my degree mostly on the fact that making any kind of solid decision isn't my strong point. I am not the kind of girl who knows what she wants and goes out and gets it. I just wish the college courses I have taken and mastered would add up to something called a degree, but with time, I can rectify that.

My life has been painful and wonderful. Being a mother is so insanely frustrating and amazingly rewarding. I think that would be true whether I was Mormon or Christian or Jewish or Atheist. So as much as my life has been so very different than I ever imagined, I am sure my enjoyment of it is strikingly similar to how it would have been had I never doubted god.

I am not the person, wife or mother I thought I would be when I was 12. And even though it's been tough at times to let the Mormon parts of me die, I still look back and love the child I used to be. I can't deny that I am so different than who my parents wanted me to be. I am in such a different place and my children are being raised so differently than I imagined.

Being able to reminisce in the thoughts of my childhood as written by myself gives me all the more reason to buy my daughters journals when they turn 9.

A letter of love from my Aunt Brenda

2010-09-30T17:28:00.000-07:00

On September 21, 2009, I signed into my facebook account and noticed that I had a message. I love receiving correspondence, even if it is electronic and through a social networking site. It was from my cousin Kris. He and I were close as children and grew up as friends. We grew apart over the years, mostly because his family moved to Oklahoma when I was 12, though I can't deny that his blatant drug abuse did contribute to the lull in communication.

It took me a moment to realize that the message was actually penned by his mother, my Aunt Brenda, who is my mother's older sister. She had written and sent it to me, through his account the night before.

It read:

Stop telling lies about my sister. I have contacted everyone in the family and told them the truth about you. You are a big fat liar. And you are to stop talking about Ramona and making up such horrible lies. You are no longer in our family. You have chosen your gross, fat, lying and creepy husband over your sweet, innocent, truth telling mother. This shows we were all right about you. We told Ramona, when she found out she was pregnant by that sleazy, lying, bastard who RAPED her, to get an abortion. Because her child would turn out to be just like the evil man who RAPED her. You are living proof we were right!!!! You are incapable of telling the truth and the whole family knows it. He CONFESSED to the police when Ramona filed criminal charges against him right in front of grandma and grandpa, so he wouldn't have to face a judge- he was such a coward. You never met him- I did! You have no proof of your lies, but I have proof of the truth. You don't need to know any more than that about your RAPIST biological father.

You are to apologize to your mother, tell everyone you lied and are sorry, put your awful husband in his place or leave him, tell Ramona where you are, and send her pictures of her grandchildren. You have until the end of the week to do what I say!!! Or I will tell everyone about your evil husband and a few of your dirty secrets. I can always find you and I will.

Aunt Brenda

I am not going to lie, the part about how I should have been aborted was painful enough to bring me to tears. Most of the rest of it is bologna, but I can't deny that it hurt. Especially since I didn't do anything to provoke her cruelty. I hadn't spoken to her in at least 2 years. (I edited her email to me because of some of the things she said were unforgivably perverted.) I spent some time thinking about what she wrote, I called my husband at work to hear some kind words, then wrote a response...

Hey Brenda!

Okay, so I am no longer in the family. I will delete Samantha, Bonnie, Mauro and Kris from my facebook friends. (And cousin Kristen, Bobby and his wife Amy for good measure.) If I am no longer in the family, your sister is no longer my mother and no longer my children's grandmother, so no worries or obligations there. Thank you for my freedom.

You should have fought harder for that abortion. You failed your sister in that aspect. Such a shame, hindsight is always 20/20. There are three kinds of truth; your truth, my truth and universal truth. I choose not to believe your sister's truth. If that makes me evil, fine. I have known my husband for over 18 years. I know him better than anyone, and what you said is just disgusting. YOU don't need to know more than that about MY loyal, trustworthy husband.

Confess all the 'dirty secrets' you know about me, the evil child you helped bring into fruition, I don't care. Lie all you want about my husband. You have no power over me. Thank you for showing me your true colors as well. I was really enjoying getting to know Bonnie (her daughter) as an adult and fellow mother. I had no idea when Kris emailed me to see how I was doing, it was just you fishing for information.

I love how you didn't come to me with the spirit of Christ in your heart. I love how you cast judgment on a man (my husband) that you don't even know. I love that you think you are a worthy defender of your sister, but you come with such hate. "You are living proof that 'we' were right." (You didn't specify the others in that witch hunting party.) Wow, no need to sugar coat that.

If I am the embodiment of evil, why in the world would you even care? Shouldn't you be happy that I am gone and shouldn't you be licking your sister's wounds telling her 'we told you so'? It's amazing how someone evil like me can respond to such a hate filled email without lowering myself to your level with name calling and accusation throwing.

What happened at church yesterday to fill you with so much of Christ's love to make you come at me like that? Must have been a moving talk during Sacrament Meeting...

I admit that my response was written with a tinge of the pain I was still feeling from her message, but I still stand by what I said to this day. She came at me, unprovoked, on a mission to hurt me at any cost. She didn't live by her religion when she decided that something needed to be done about her sister's relationship with me, her sister's daughter. Her hypocrisy astounded me. She was so angry because she felt I was hurting someone she loved, so she was out to hurt the person her loved one loved. Baffling. Even a year later, after all the emotions have subsided, I still don't understand why she emailed me that Sunday night.

Pretty sure Jesus said something along the lines of, 'As I have loved you, love one another'. It's sad that a 'grown' 55 year old woman can't even abide by a simple Primary Song.

Picture: Disabled person crossing sign we pass on the way back from the lake.

A Year of Atheism

2010-08-12T02:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I have been referring to myself as an atheist for an entire year.

On August 12th, 2009, I stopped calling myself an agnostic theist and fully embraced the term atheist.

This past year has been amazing. I have learned so much about science, religion, myself, Earth, who my true friends are and how much I love life.

From finding the atheist forum on Craigslist.org where I found irreligious humor that really got me thinking, to following Mr. Hemant Mehta and his Friendly Atheist website which got me talking. I have changed so much this past year.

As shocking as it may sound, once I admitted my atheism, I wasn't overwhelmed with the urge to start killing babies, raping sheep or lying whenever I got the chance. I didn't start being a horrible mother, a person with no morals or a disloyal friend. I was the same shy, dorky girl I had always been. A funny thing started to happen though. The more I educated myself on religion and science, the more confidence I gained. I started growing a back bone, I started being able to find logic and reasoning in my arguments and I began to be able to back up what I believed with proof.

I had never been part of a group who so willingly shared their points of view, even if they were unpopular. My fellow atheists gave me links and things to look up on my own to support what they had said. Everything was open and on the table. No question that I asked was taboo and no one ever told me that I shouldn't be asking so many questions.

It was a year of firsts. I first started calling myself an atheist. I first started calling my children freethinkers. I first told my husband that I didn't believe in god. I had my first Christmas and Easter without a half baked belief in a supernatural being. I wrote my first letter to the Mormon church, and after they took their sweet ass time I received the confirmation letter of my resignation from their organization. I celebrated my first birthday (the big 3-0) as an atheist. It was my first year as an atheist mother.

I have gained so much this past year. I have learned so much, that I know I would have never been open to learning if I were still Mormon. I have gained a true joy of living. I have started to be genuinely thankful for the little things. I have been able to stop using heaven as an excuse to be a shrew, as an excuse to put important things off, as an excuse to live irresponsibly towards Earth and as an excuse to judge everyone for everything.

I have found that it's not true, what many god believing people say about atheists, how we don't have joy and how we don't believe in anything. At least in my situation. I still have many beliefs, some new beliefs, and many things that I hold so very dear to my heart. It's just now I can back my beliefs up with facts.

I believe in the power of love, the calming sense of peace, and Earthly beauty. I believe that kindness can be contagious, and so can knowledge. I believe in humanity. I believe in equal rights, freedom and honesty. I believe in science.

I have fallen deeper in love with my husband and my children, and I haven't been restricted by an obligated love of a deity. Without years and years of guilt to weigh me down, I have been able to look at myself in a more honest light. I have begun to finally love myself, which has allowed me to speak my mind.

I love how Penn Jillette put it, "Believing there is no god gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex, Jell-O and all the other things I can prove and that makes this life the best life I will ever have."

My girls as faeries on my big 3-0 at the Faerie Festival.

Guilt Sandwiches

2010-05-23T19:36:00.000-07:00

In the Mormon church, all girls from ages 12-18 attend Young Women classes on Sundays. They also go to Mutual on Wednesday nights. The Beehives are the girls who are 12-13 (Jr. High), Mia Maids are 14-15 (Freshmen/Sophmores) and Laurels are 16-17, sometimes 18 (Jrs and Srs.). My mother was called to lead the group of girls one age group older than me when I first entered Young Womens.

We sometimes had a class together on Sundays, so instead of separating into our age groups, we would all gather together to hear one of the Young Women Leaders give an all encompassing lesson.

One random Sunday it was my mothers turn to give the lesson. It was on chastity. She had placed a beautiful long stem red rose in one of my grandma's vases from home, in the middle of the table in the front of the classroom.

She started her lesson, talking about how we were all so precious. We were all loved by our Heavenly Father and how we were all princesses. She spoke of how we would all marry a worthy priesthood holder in the temple one day and how we would be able to stay on the path of righteousness and one day have our own planet, a flock of sisterwives and the love of many spirit children.

She spoke of how we were beautiful, just like the rose in the vase on the table. She then took a step towards the rose and plucked a petal from it. She held the petal in her hand and said that it takes away from us, if we make-out with a boy. She plucked another petal and said it takes away from our worth (to a potential worthy priesthood holder) if we allow a boy we are dating to touch our breasts.

She continued pulling irreplaceable petals from this poor rose until the last one, which she 'labled' having sex before marriage.

A few girls who had gone kinda far with their boyfriends had tears streaming down their faces. A few who were rumored to have gone all the way were stoic. I was dumbstruck. I couldn't believe that my mom ripped apart a rose from my grandmothers garden, just to guilt us into staying chaste.

The room fell silent. My mom made the point that our Heavenly Father loves us, he doesn't want this for us... (a barren rose with it's sexual organs displayed for all to see, sticking straight out of my grandmothers vase.) I felt so sad. There should have been a way for repentance. But there was no coming back from that.

We ended that lesson with a song and a prayer and went home. I hate to think that my mother's point was that without our virginity we were worthless, but I think that may have been the moral the church wanted our teachers to put forth to us.

It didn't stop a lot of the girls that went through Young Women's before me and after me. It didn't stop me. All it really did was give a weight of guilt. A feeling of never being able to be whole again. Every Mormon boy I dated after that, I felt unworthy for, even if he had 'given' himself to someone else before meeting me.

I know most religions teach repentance, but the guilt they put on the children, even before the sin can ever be committed, lingers. I struggle with my self worth even to this day because of what I learned in church. What I learned at home from my mother. Even with regards to what beauty is.

Instead of educating us on safe sex, or the horrors of unprotected sex, we got guilt. No actual education of any kind, no real facts or knowledge... just guilt, served up Mormon style; sweet words of praise first, guilt in the middle, then sweet words of warning, like a guilt sandwich. Looking back, that is really all I ever truly learned. How to handle guilt, how to work my way through it and how to not pile it onto my children. Which is a much better lesson to take away, in my opinion, than the actual lesson given.

Root Beer laced with Vanilla Vodka

2010-05-17T06:55:00.001-07:00

I rarely see our letter carrier. But I happened to be outside, tending to my garden when she came by with our mail. She handed the two letters directly to me, and I thanked her. The letter on top was junk mail. But the one on the bottom was from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

My stomach fluttered. I figured it was my release letter, but a piece of me wondered if they were excommunicating me, or if it was another plea to come back to 'the flock'.

I started opening it as I walked around to the backyard, looking for my husband. I slowly pulled out the letter and read aloud the words, "This letter is to notify you that, in accordance with your request, your name has been removed from the membership records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."

A feeling of comfort came over me. I was seriously starting to prepare myself to be able to deal with never getting it. But here it was, in my hand, and it was the greatest gift the Mormon church ever gave me.

I got a big hug from my husband, and he made me some celebratory drinks. An alcoholic Root Beer Float. Nothing beats Root Beer, Vanilla Vodka and some milk. Nom Nom Nom...

Now I can no longer be counted as a member of their church. When they use their numbers to seem believable to potential converts, or to help members stave off their cognitive dissonance, I am no longer a tool in their armory of deceit. And it feels really, really good.

Picture: My two daughters on Halloween 2008, dancing to the carousel music at Knott's Berry Farm... that's how I feel now...

My husband got his letter...

2010-05-14T08:43:00.001-07:00

Where the hell is mine??

I was born into a Mormon family. My husband was baptized in 2004 out of pressure from my Mormon family. He didn't have a set religion before and figured that Mormonism was just another Christian religion. To find out why it's not please visit SmithBusters.

Did they let him out sooner because of his lack of 'tenure'?

I started sharing my doubts with him over the course of our marriage and in November 2008, I told him I was done. He had no problem walking away with me. A little over a year later, in January 2010, I wrote our formal letters and mailed them together. We both got a little 'guilt' packet, pleading with us to give the church one more try. It came with a mild threat of church members showing up on our front door step.

Well, no one ever came and we didn't get a letter releasing us, so I set out to write another letter.

The letter formally releasing my husband from the church showed up a few weeks ago. I figured mine would be close behind. It's been two weeks since my husband received his letter, and I am still standing here empty handed.

I can't help but wonder if my 29 year 'membership' vs. his 5 year 'membership' has something to do with it.

I feel the need to point out what they are doing is actually all their own drama. Legally, the second they received my letter, I was no longer a member. It's only my own desire to actually hold the letter, that is forcing me to continue to write letters requesting to receive my freedom in written form. (I checked the Mormon No More website and it is no longer up. You can get the original information by going here.)

Even if I never receive a tangible letter to frame or scrapbook, I know that I haven't been Mormon for a long time. I haven't had a testimony since I was 17. I haven't fully believed since I was 21. I haven't gone to church every Sunday since I was 20. I haven't prayed willingly on my own since I was 26. I haven't wanted a temple marriage since I was 27. At 28, I stopped referring to myself as Mormon. It's been a slow process, but it's been steady.

I will celebrate liberally the day I receive my letter. Though I know that if I never get a letter releasing me from their records, I will be okay. By using my own logic and reason, I have saved my children from years of guilt, years of not feeling worthy of life or love and a lifetime of cognitive dissonance. The Mormon Church has stolen so much happiness and self worth from me that I could not, in good conscience, let the same thing happen to my daughters.

But honestly, I celebrate a little every day that I wake up. It's one more day as a mother, a wife, and an atheist on this wonderful rock, spinning through space.

Picture: Sea stars at the Aquarium of the Bay in San Fransisco.

A letter from a stranger

2010-05-12T08:34:00.001-07:00

The following took place through facebook messages. I don't know this lady, but she felt comfortable enough to email me. (I changed her name a little.)

***

Carrie Lutz Grant January 13 at 1:34am Report

Why did you leave the church? Why are you denying your children the chance to grow up with the gospel? It can only bring good into your life.

Leilani (Me) January 13 at 11:34am

Sister Grant,

It's always odd getting an email from a stranger asking me questions that are, quite frankly, none of their business.

I understand your concern for me, a lady whom you've never met, as I have been on your side of the story. I appreciate you keeping your email so short. I, unfortunately, won't be able to keep it as 'to the point'.

It was a very difficult decision to leave the LDS church. I was born and raised in it. And I can't say one decision led me to leave. It was years and years of pain and truth that one day, I could no longer bear, nor deny.

My mother lied to my biological father. After she had me, behind his back,s he told him she was only 16 when they made me, and that she would press charges if he didn't sign custody over. He only got to hold me once. She denied him his daughter his whole life. He died in April of 1998, 3 months before my mom told me that she, my dad (step dad), and EVERY other Mormon family member intentionally lied to me for 18 years. They denied me my birth father, my two older brothers and a little sister.

I believe in equal rights. The Mormon church does not. Blah, blah, blah about how the LDS church doesn't hate gays. I am not accusing hate. Separation of church and state is very important. The church's stance on marriage equality sickens me. No matter what one's spiritual beliefs are, our country is separate. Marriage equality has not ruined any marriages or children in the other countries it's already legal in. It will only strengthen families. I couldn't be a hypocrite believing one thing and belonging to an organization that believes another.

As I have done research, I have found that Joseph Smith's claims were not true. I am not going to detail it out. I am not looking to offend you or rip you apart. I have had a testimony. I have been to the temple to do baptisms for the dead.

I have found that there are no gods. All we have is the wonder of science and knowledge. The only time we have is now. And it's a beautiful wonderful thing. I was lied to my whole life. When I told my mom about my pain, she told me that I was just being melodramatic (something she has always called me, so that she never had to take me seriously.)

I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday. I hope you raise your children in the real love your Christ taught. I still have LDS friends who are active, who ask the same questions of me. But your statement that it can only bring good into my life is untrue in my case. Because of the LDS religion, I was lied to by my entire family for no good reason, I lost my identity at 18 and was never consoled by my mother, or my father, I was only comforted by my Aunt who wasn't Mormon. Everyone else felt so uncomfortable with me knowing, they didn't offer me as much as a hug.

I am not denying my children anything important. They have unconditional love (something I didn't have), science, wonder, mystery, truth, adventure, a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. You and I both know that come the end of days, they will not be punished for my decision if the LDS church is true.

Sorry I have rambled for so long. If you've gotten to this point, I am amazed. :o) A lot more than this led to my leaving the church. I just don't know you and don't want to waste anymore of your time. You have at least two beautiful children to spend your time with.

Thank you again for your concern. I am sure you found me through the ex-Mormon facebook page and I wonder if you have emailed more people. There is always the possibility you are a friend of my mothers, if that is the case, you have no idea how much pain she has caused me, up to wishing my first child was born with a birth defect. And when my first child was born with a cleft, she told me it was because I wasn't going to church often enough. Then she would make it 'sing' or 'talk' by opening and closing it. Mocking my child's facial deformity...

RWH

Leilani

Carrie Lutz Grant January 12 at 6:55pm Report

I was up late one night and found the ex-Mormon site. I don't know your mother. I saw that you wrote you left the church and took your kids out of it. It made me cry. I know I have never met you.

I cannot believe what you have been through in your lifetime. I am sorry your mother treated you so poorly. I am sorry you did not get to meet your father. You must be a very strong person to have endured what you have.

You really need to be able to separate bad people from the gospel. Heavenly Father did not do any of that stuff to you. Nothing bad comes from him. Jesus has been through everything we have been through that is why we need a Savior. This life is hard and it comes with so many trials. We need God in our lives. My friend just lost her second child in a freak accident. She needs Heavenly Father and is feeling so much peace right now from his love.

That is why we are here on the earth to overcome hardships.

I really want to thank you for sharing your life with me. I am not judging you. I just want you to be happy. There are so many good LDS people out there and there are also LDS people that are not living the way they should. It does not mean the church is not true it means people make mistakes and your case you have seen people make huge mistakes and really hurt you.

Leilani (Me) January 14 at 12:31am

I appreciate your sincerity. But it's not just the pain. I touched briefly on how I found major dissonance with what Joseph Smith claimed as well as Brigham Young. I can speak freely of my pain, because I doubted it would offend you. But I cannot bring myself to rip someones belief system apart, just to explain why I left.

I have overcome what life has dealt me. And I can't tell you how wonderful it is having settled my cognitive dissonace. I know I cannot shake your faith, and no one can 'give' me back mine. Once you stop believing in Santa, it would be impossible to believe in him again. That's how I see god now. (Not trying to offend, just explain.)

But if you ever have a question for your 'Friendly neighborhood Atheist', feel free to email me again. I have nothing but love for my fellow human beings.
***

I felt like sharing this letter. I respond the same way to most of the letters I have received from nibby nose Mormon mothers who 'ache' for my children, 'cry' for my children, and 'get sick to their stomachs' because I chose to take my children out of the church. I guess that is what I get for joining Ex-Mormon facebook pages. This wasn't the first email, and it probably won't be the last.

I proved to her that the gospel doesn't only bring good into your life. Because of the gospel, my mother felt she needed to find a 'more worthy' man to be my father. Because of the gospel, my mom felt comfortable piling on guilt for years, and "knew in her heart" that god punished me for only attending church when the bouts of morning sickness subsided long enough to leave the house.

I could have ripped into her about how she believes the members of an organization don't reflect the organization. Because they do. I could have gone into the blood lineage of the Nephites or pointed out all the mistakes in the Book of Mormon, but she would have been prepared to claim that a human translated it and humans are flawed. I have found that you can't argue with crazy.

You can't reason with someone who's beliefs aren't based on reason.

Nothing like an honest child

2010-04-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

I was going through some Brain Quest flash cards with Katie and Maddy a few weeks ago.

One card was a picture of a church with a large cross on the top of it, with the question "What is this?"

I saw it, considered skipping it as I didn't want to have to get too much into it, but figured I'd ask my daughters anyway.

So I asked Katie, "What is this?"

She looked at it and said, "That's where people go to die."

I couldn't really argue with that.

It amazes me how much children absorb. It reminded me of how I accepted everything that was handed to me as knowledge and fact from my parents. Their 'hand-me-down' faith that I struggled to accept killed me a little inside. Church was where I started to die inside, every Sunday for 3 hours. (Not to mention Firesides, Seminary, Institute, etc.) It's where all the wonders and beauty of Earth, the Universe, science and nature were sacrificed and replaced with myths to explain all my questioning and reasoning away.

It wasn't until I accepted this wonderful Earth as the only place I will live, this family is the only family I will ever have and now is the only time to do good things and enjoy life, that I started to feel alive again. My children bring so much more beauty into my life. They are the only children I will have and now is the only time I have to love them. That doesn't diminish life, it adds to it.

And I am pretty sure Katie was referencing cemeteries, but it still made me smile.

I don't have any pictures of churches, so I posted a picture of Ruby Falls in Tennessee. Just something pretty to look at.

Still Waiting...

2010-04-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

So it's been two months since I received the letter from the LDS church stating that I was going to be visited by members of the priesthood. And I am still waiting.

I actually forgot about it for a while. With my daughters birthday, a bout of sickness, and Eostre, I honestly admit that it escaped my mind for about 4 weeks. But I have yet to receive any form of contact from the LDS church. I drive by the local LDS church building every Sunday and have yet to be able to fight the urge to flip it the bird.

So now I am a little upset. It's difficult to explain the way this whole process has made me feel. They wanted me to reconsider leaving, without knowing my reasons why. They said they were sending folks over, but no one showed. And even though it seems so transparent now, I am starting to think that they have a kink in their system. Do they send that letter as a way to hold onto their numbers as long as they can? Do people just 'give up' when they don't receive their resignation confirmation? Or is this whole charade just another flaw in a flawed religion?

So I am off to write another letter. One that reminds them that I know my rights, that they failed to send me the confirmation I requested and that I am getting upset by their pious attitude and complete disregard for my rights. I want my name off their records. I want my children, if my parents blessed them behind my back, off their records as well.

I still don't understand how something that should be so simple, has to be so complex. I have actually considered going down to the LDS church, and handing another letter straight to the bishop. Sitting through their pointless interview and jumping through their silly hoops. But I know that it is against the law for them to refuse to take me off their records, I know that technically, the second they received my letter I was no longer a member of their church. All this added stuff is drama that they apparently need to feel better and I will not be a part of it.

One of the most wonderful things about being Atheist is the lack of drama and guilt.

Rainy Afternoon

2010-03-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

Before my girls go to bed each night, we brush our teeth, read a story and take a moment to say one thing we are thankful for. That moment of thankfulness is the closest we get to prayer or meditation. We don't close our eyes or fold our arms, we just say a few things we are thankful for, which is usually ice cream, our bicycles or each other.

As an Agnostic Theist, who became an Atheist, I have never taught my girls to pray, and they have never heard of Jesus or a god, that I know of. So it caught me off guard when, as we were getting into the car at the grocery store, I caught Katelyn with her hands clasped and with her eyes closed, head towards the sky.

I do have to admit that it peeved me a little bit. It was starting to rain and now I had to deal with her talking to imaginary people. I kept my cool and asked my beautiful 4 year old what she was doing. I felt if she explained to me what she thought she was doing, I could easily promote healthy questions. She opened one eye, smiled and said, "Mommy, I am wishing really hard for the rain to stop, because I want to play outside."

It made me smile.

Bittersweet Memories of Georgia

2010-03-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

It was 9 years ago this week that my mother kicked me out of the house for the last time. She told me I was an evil spirit, and she didn't want my negative influence around my three younger brothers. I spent that night on the phone to my long distance boyfriend, crying. He offered to come get me and bring me back to Atlanta, Georgia, to live with him. I had nowhere else to go, so I accepted his offer.

I quit my 3 jobs, dropped my college courses and packed most of my things. My mother ignored me the rest of that week. He arrived in California the first week of March 2001. We visited Disneyland, the Griffiths Observatory and a few other tourist places before hitting the road in my 1998 Chevy Metro.

We took the 40 through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Tennessee. Driving into Georgia, we hit traffic and sat for 3 hours because a Tractor Trailer carrying logs overturned. I remember listening to his mix CD and Cyndi Lauper as we sat enjoying each others company.

I still remember pulling into Atlanta. I remember how the sun was shining and how open I felt. We had driven all night from Memphis to make it to Atlanta. I remember parking and going up into the dorm rooms. He was a student at Georgia State University and lived in the dorms that were built for the 1996 Olympians. We were a short walk from Centennial Olympic Park.

As time carried on, I realized that I was alone in a new city in a new state. The first time I met my boyfriend was when he walked off the plane in California. And I did have him in Atlanta, but I was still getting to know him. That April, I was able to get a job at the Dave and Buster's in Marietta, Georgia. Shortly after that I got another job at the Cracker Barrel. We moved out of the dorm rooms and into our first apartment. I was working two jobs and he was going to school full time.

Our relationship was strong, but at times, awkward. I was in a transitional place in my life and it seemed as though he knew what he wanted to do with his life, but he wasn't sure how I factored into that.

No matter how I feel about him now, no matter what happened in the two years I was in Georgia, one night he did something that I will be forever grateful for...

He had done some research on the Mormon religion. And he found some things that didn't add up to him. I don't remember everything he brought up, but he pointed out the flaws regarding the referencing of horses, coins, and the blood lineage of Nephi. There are no traces of Jewish DNA in anyone native to the Americas. He challenged me, whether out of love or frustration, to question my beliefs. He asked questions I couldn't answer, it brought me to tears. He kept me up all night, showing me things online, asking questions, offering answers. When I told him I was done and didn't want to talk anymore, he kept on going.

Honestly, I was mad at him. I couldn't believe he could 'attack' me like that. I was supposed to be the love of his life and here he was, making me cry. I was surprised that night didn't lead to a break-up; we stayed together a year and a half after that.

I never attended a Mormon church while I was in Georgia. I did, however, attend a Baptist church every Sunday that we spent at his parents house out in Evans, Georgia. I never told him, but I really enjoyed it. I found it easy to question that Pastor, I wrote down things I didn't agree with. I looked up the scriptures he referenced and read and reread them. It became easier over time to start looking at the beliefs that were handed to me as a child, forced down my throat as a teenager, and to question them.

My relationship with him ended on uncomfortable terms. But my time in Georgia, my experiences there, I wouldn't trade for anything.

When I came home from Georgia, my parents welcomed me into their home. In order to live there, they required me to go to church. Their church... the one place I knew I didn't belong. I struggled to attend church for years after coming back from Georgia, but in the end, I knew that Mormonism, with all the guilt and the shame wasn't for me.

I miss Georgia. I miss the Magnolia trees in full bloom, I miss the friends I made there. And I sure do miss Pikachu, my one eyed cat. Because of my experiences in Georgia, I finally had the strength to question. And I will be forever grateful.

Mormon No More

2010-02-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

I did it. I sent in my resignation letter. As of January 28th, 2010 I am no longer a Mormon. I walked away more than a year ago, but it's so nice to know it's official.

Wow. I am so relieved to be free, but there is a soreness I didn't expect to feel. It's weird and difficult to explain. I don't miss the blind faith, but I feel like the last piece of me that lingered from youth is now gone.

I wish they would have sent me a letter saying something along the lines of, "Hey, It was nice knowing you! We took you off the records of our church, have a great life. Best Regards, The LDS folks up in Utah."

Instead I got a letter stating that they "consider such a request to be an ecclesiastical matter that must be handled by local priesthood leaders before being processed by Church employees." WTF? Really? I mean, really? So now they are sending complete strangers to my house to talk to me about my personal decisions?

They also sent a cute little pamphlet called "An Invitation". A short little page of guilt, wrapped up like a loving request for my return. I think it's funny that they don't even know why I want to leave, but they are pious enough to think a small little request for my love, strength, loyalty and devotion is going to magically change my mind. Actually, that's probably why they are sending strangers to my house.

So now I sit and wait. I don't want to be mean to the poor folks they are sending into the lion's den, but I am livid that they would think I could be dissuaded. Like this isn't an issue that I've been debating within myself for the past year. Like the time and energy I put into my own research and study wasn't good enough. Or do they believe a perfect stranger wrote in on my behalf? Someone who knew my children's full names and birth dates? Someone who has a notary on payroll to be able to get it notarized in my name with no problem? I don't believe that.

I feel like they are trivializing my pain and intelligence. Do they think I don't know my rights? I don't do well standing up for myself in face to face situations. I am going to suck at telling them to go the fuck away.

This wasn't an easy thing for me to do. I know a lot of my Mormon friends who have fallen away from the church are still on the records. They may have embraced a new religion, or just don't believe in much of anything, but they never bothered to or even have wanted to have their name removed. That's their choice and I don't blame them. Honestly, some folks don't care if they are on the records of a church they don't support, it's just paper and holds no true meaning for them.

It's a bit different for me. I was reluctant to get baptized. When I was interviewed by the Bishop at 8 years old, I had to say I wanted to get baptized. My mother would have killed me if I said no thanks. Now as an adult I can go back and revoke that action that I gave into because of peer and parental pressure. It's not often that we can go back and set things right in life. And I needed to.

It was a difficult thing to do. I know that my Atheist friends may not understand how can it be hard to send in a letter to a pseudo-religion and resign. Looking at it logically, it shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't bother me and it should have been easy. But it wasn't. And there is a tenderness because of it. I just cut my family off on a new and more personal level. I just guaranteed that no matter what, my relationship with my family will never be the same. I think I may have pissed off some of my devoted Mormon friends.

I know I will heal and move on. I know this is what is best for me and my children. I know my husband respects me more because of it. I know he understands why I had to do it. I know that in the end, I will be stronger because of it. I already feel like I can breathe again, I no longer run the risk of excommunication. Which is also a silly thing to dread. But knowing that they have no power over me and I can sue if they try to take action against me, gives me a sense of calm.

I thought it would be like a birthday. You know, it comes and you don't really feel any different. But I do feel different. I felt a change in me when I walked away from Mormonism in November 2008, I felt a change in August 2009 when I came to the realization that I am an Atheist, and sitting here, now being free of Mormonism, I feel a change.

I love not being Mormon. I love being an Atheist. I love being a mother and I love being a wife. I love everything I am now. Last week I couldn't say that wholeheartedly. And now I can.

And I know when those unknowing gentlemen show up on my front porch, that I will be able to ask them to get off my property and never return in a kind and respectful manner, because that's the kind of person that I am, always have been and always will be.

My grandmother, my mother and I on my baptism day September 1988. It's a bad picture, but the only one I have.

Losing my Religion

2010-01-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

I have thought about my journey many times over the past few months. I have been trying to figure out where or how to start telling my story of loss. Many people say that people don't really ever truly believe in religion. They are tied to the traditions, pressured by the testimonies of their families and ofttimes their duality just gets the best of them.

I would hate to admit that I was ever gullible enough to ever believe in the pure crap the Mormon religion piles on you, but I am afraid to say I must admit I was.

It didn't help that the grandparents that I lived with until I was 12 were Mormon. It didn't help that all my cousins growing up were Mormon. All 36 of them. My 7 Aunts and 7 Uncles on my mothers side were Mormon and both my parents were Mormon.

It didn't help that I went to church almost every Sunday until I was 20. I went to Seminary every weekday from 6am- 6:50am, from my Freshman year in high school until Senior year. I went to Mutual every Wednesday night for a few hours. Went to Saturday morning service projects for a few hours each week, went to Sacrament Meeting and Sunday School for 3 hours every Sunday and Firesides Sunday nights for up to 3 hours.

In college I traded Seminary and Mutual for Tuesday and Thursday night classes at the LDS Institute of Religion. By which they just mean their religion.

I was a devout Mormon all through high school. I believed. I testified. I passed out Books of Mormon to my unsuspecting friends and fellow band members. I mocked people for not being righteous and I lectured my friends on their potty mouths. I was a pain.

How could I not believe? To hear the same thing over and over as fact. To hear adults testify to their truth. To be told that anything other than what the church writes about the church is Anti-Mormon Propaganda. It was difficult to be a doubter when surrounded by family, friends and leaders who were there at a moments notice to tell you that the devil was making you doubt.

But even with all that 'support', with all the indoctrination and peer pressure, my cognitive dissonance won out in the end.

My doubting began when my high school boyfriend broke my heart. I hadn't kept morally clean while dating him over the course of a year and a half. When he dumped me the summer after our first year at college, I was shattered. I dropped weight and chopped off my hair.

I went into the bishop to repent of my sins. He couldn't see me at church, so he asked that I come to his home. He was cold and preoccupied, even though I had made an appointment. He told me that I could never see my ex-boyfriend again, that I couldn't take the sacrament and that he needed to speak with me every Sunday for at least 3 months.

I called his clerk that week and set an appointment for the following Sunday. Sunday came, I skipped partaking of the sacrament and headed to the bishops office after the meetings and classes were done. He told me that he couldn't meet with me that Sunday, and that he would see me the following Sunday. So I went to the clerk and made another appointment.

The next Sunday came. I didn't partake of the sacrament and waited after church to talk with the bishop. I was doing really well on my path to forgiveness. I had started dating a Mormon guy and he was prepping to leave on his Mission to Galveston, Tx. I was reading my scriptures and praying daily. I even started writing poetry to deal with my pain and guilt. I was disappointed when the bishop blew me off again.

After 4 Sundays of being ignored by the bishop, I started sinning again. Not as bad as before, but still sinning. I didn't feel that my progress was being supported the way the bishop told me it would be. The 5th Sunday of not partaking of the sacrament, my mother noticed. When the bread and water (body and blood) are being passed, the chapel is silent. My mother took that opportunity to loudly whisper "You're not a virgin anymore are you?" after her face had contorted in disgust when she noticed I hadn't taken the bread. I just stared blankly at her. I was 19, felt it was none of her business, and I had no clue how to handle her. So I kept staring blankly. She stood up, grabbed her purse and scriptures and left. Yup, she left me and my brothers at church with no ride home.

It didn't surprise me. She had kicked me out of the house for being 5 minutes late for curfew. Then 5 days later asked me to move back in because my younger brothers missed me. When I had turned to her for comfort when my boyfriend of 18 months dumped me, she said, "Well, now you can date a nice Mormon boy.", then went to bed. No hug or comfort. And now she was punishing my brothers for my personal decision.

Walking home from church that Sunday, I started to realize how much perfection was expected in Mormonism. God made us with imperfections, why would He punish us for them? He made us with the ability to rationalize and think, why would He punish us for using said abilities? By the time my brothers and I got home, my testimony was shattered. My mother never comforted me or supported me through trials, pain and tribulations. Her love felt conditional. The bishop, who was supposed to be there to mind God's flock had totally ignored me for over a 1/3 of my repentance process. My mother and father were divorced at the time, so my father was absent and distant.

How could a God that loved His creations, His children, be absent as well? I felt ashamed for doubting God's love. But that walk home, with only my own reasoning in my head started a snowball that would continue to roll until 10 years later, when I walked away from Mormonism, then finally Theism altogether.

I attended church from that point on with my closest friend. We went to a singles ward. We stayed for sacrament meeting (which I never partook of the bread and water), then left to break the Sabbath by eating at a local restaurant called Islands. It became our tradition. It was honestly the only reason why I went to church for the next year, to hang out with her, talking about life and sharing some of the best hamburgers around.

Then my mother kicked me out for being an evil spirit and bad influence on my brothers and I moved to Georgia.

(The picture is my mother and I outside church one random Sunday in the mid-late 80's.)

New Year's Resolution

2010-01-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

I normally don't make New Year's Resolutions. Mainly because I like to be a woman of my word, and I never keep them. It just gives me more reason to be disappointed in myself for no real reason.

But this year, I am making a few lifestyle changes. I am eating healthier and I am hoping to eventually get to the point of cutting out all white flour and sugar.

I am more aware of my community and hoping to volunteer more. As an Atheist it's sometimes tough get involved. So I have made myself a list of websites that offer some volunteer opportunities. I couldn't help but share.

www.craigslist.com

www.volunteermatch.org

www.servenet.org

www.change.org

www.idealist.org

www.networkforgood.org

www.volunteer.gov

www.helpindisaster.org

One day each year the non-religious participate in the National Secular Service Day.

www.secularserviceday.org

Please also remember that one pint of blood can save up to three lives. You can also donate platelets...

www.americasblood.org

And it doesn't hurt at all to get on the National Marrow Registry. If you can't register, you can always donate financially.

www.bethematch.org

I donated blood for the first time as and Atheist, and joined the National Bone Marrow Registry as an Atheist.

I know I have become a better person because of my Atheism. I love my country, my fellow human beings and my family so much more.

What could be better than a Sunday morning spent in the service of your fellow man?

Holiday Frustrations

2009-12-22T14:31:00.000-08:00

Grrr....

I am usually a quiet, passive Atheist, with a few anger flare ups here and there. (Ignorance makes me angry, though I know I suffer from it at times.) But the moms on the momslikeme.com website really frosted my cookie today.

I love this time of year. Being an Atheist doesn't take away from my love of Christmas. If anything it's added to my love Christmas and of Hanukkah and Winter Solstice. I have a new appreciation of the world around me. I have a new love of different cultures and of actual factual history.

Being an Atheist has added to the richness of this time of year for me.

Last year I still considered myself a Christian. I had 'walked' away from Mormonism the month prior, but I still believed there was a God who loved me. Celebrating Christmas last year was more of a chore than anything. We had to be out of our home on December 24th. So in order to celebrate with my immediate family, we headed the Embassy Suites in Brea, Ca. Christmas Eve was wonderful. Christmas Day was the chore. We were glad to be on the road on the 26th.

This Christmas, I figured that since I was finally intellectually free, that it would be more wonderful than ever. But having now embraced so much truth and fact, there is a new frustration that I have faced this year.

When people say 'Merry Christmas' to me, I say it back. I know what they are saying is with love of the holiday season and they are just expressing their beliefs. Beautiful. Perfect. I understand. If someone were to say 'Happy Hanukkah' or 'Happy Kwanzaa', I would return the salutation. I think most Atheists, even if it peeves them, are kind people. They wouldn't start a fight with the Salvation Army bell ringer over the wish of a Merry Christmas.

But today on my momslikeme.com website, I was honestly taken aback by the full prideful ignorance of my peers. (Fellow mothers.) The question was, "What do you say this time of year, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?" The majority of moms were saying that they choose to say Merry Christmas, which is no surprise. I could have guessed that. The majority of people in the States are Christian. What took me back is the blatant disregard for other peoples beliefs and feelings.

I always thought Christians said Merry Christmas out of love. I had no idea that most of these women were saying it because they didn't care what others celebrated. They felt if they say 'Happy Holidays', that they are denying their Christ. They say it because they hope the person they say it to isn't Christian, so they could 'stick it to them'. They don't give a damn if someone might be offended. Their reasons got as hurtful as name calling. They say it because the reason for the season is Jesus. The audacity!

Yeah, that sealed it. Actually, you pious, ignorant, disrespectful Christians on momslikeme.com, if you look it up, Winter Solstice is the reason for the season. Mithra, the unconquered son god, is the reason for the season. The fact that the days are cold and we gather around loved ones and the fire for warmth is the reason for the season. Earth's axial tilt being furthest from the sun is the reason for the season. In 46 BCE Julius Caesar established December 25th as Winter Solstice.

I think this is the first time that I am royally peeved about silly greetings and salutations. So these women on this website feel that Happy Holidays (Happy HOLY Days) somehow takes away from their religion. WTF?

I don't feel like saying 'Merry Christmas' takes away from my Atheism. Nor does 'Happy Hanukkah'.

I don't feel like my children lighting a Menorah and learning about someone else's culture this time of year takes away from my own culture. I don't feel like taking out the trash takes away from my femininity. What a ridiculous line of reasoning. I just don't understand.

I read something today that gave me that warm happy feeling again.

"It's always a great time of year to be an Atheist. The traditions of Christmas are almost entirely pre-christian, so that's not really a problem for us that some people are celebrating the birth of their god. We are doing what people have always done when the days are cold and dark - we look to each other for light and warmth."

That put me back in the holiday spirit!

A beautiful Seasons Greetings to all, and a Happy New Year!

On a side note, the English language is such a beautiful thing. I understand that when people say Holiday, they no longer think of Holy Day. Just like when people say sinister, they no longer think 'of the left' or left-handed. :o)

It was nice.

2009-12-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

I took my girls to our first 'Mommy and Me' meeting down at the local Methodist church today. Yes, I am starving for human interaction so badly that I swallowed my Atheist pride to go to a church. It wasn't bad, actually it was really nice to get out and talk to other moms. Granted, they aren't aware that I don't believe in their god, as I kept my big mouth shut and I refrained from wearing my Atheism buttons and badges.

Not that they would have cared. I made sure I emailed before I showed up, asking if it was open to the public. I just viewed Atheists so negatively when I was a church goer, I feel that at least one of the moms there would have asked me to leave if they would have known.

It was the 'once a month' meeting where the kids spend the whole time in the nursery so the moms can have 2 hours of uninterrupted adult time. A few moms had their newborns with them, and for a moment before the meeting started it was like Breastfeeding Central. Over all, I had fun. My girls had fun too, they didn't want to leave. When I went to get them out of the nursery, they were dancing to 'Zoot Suit Riot'. (Maddy was spinning in circles and Katie was doing her famous 'bottom shake').

Maybe I am too used to what being Mormon means that I am having a difficult time understanding what being Christian means. Cherry Poppin' Daddies would not be a musical selection that would be playing in the background when picking up my kids from the nursery at a Mormon church. Granted, I don't know of any Mormon Wards that offer this kind of support to mothers during the day, with field trips and days that moms can drop off kids to run errands. But I am sure hymns would be playing come pick up time, if anything at all.

Maybe the term fellowship isn't the horrible thing I thought it would be. I had prepared myself to have an opening hymn, opening prayer, a bunch of talk about god and then a closing hymn and a closing prayer. In hind sight I was prepping for a Mormon gathering. They only mentioned god once while I was there, and it was only in passing. And not even in a pushy or offensive way. Have I said it was nice? Because it really was.

I think I may have to stop expecting Mormon behavior from religious people. I expected to be judged, I expected to be forced into talking about god or at least spirituality. I expected to hear my kids talking about Jesus as we walked to the car, and actually worried about doing damage control on the way home. But what I found was a group of wonderful women, all mothers, who got together on the first Wednesday of the month to share stories, exercising techniques and cookies.

It was nice. Having been with my children almost 24/7 for the past year, I can't even express how grateful I am to have found this group. I am hopeful that I may actually make a good friend. I've made friends since moving here, but a not friend that I actually go out with. A friend that I can craft with or even get my nails done with. I know it's going to be a while longer before I get to that place, but the hope is there. And that is really nice.

What's in a name?

2009-11-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

Truth be told, I am scared. I have always been Leilani. When I was first learning how to write my name, my mom had shortened it to Loni. Probably to make it easier on me, but I am Leilani. That's the only name I've known.

Until 2006, that is. I requested a copy of my birth certificate from the Orange County Records Clerk. Oddly enough, they had no record of my birth. I gave them the date, time, hospital, mother's maiden name... nothing. They asked if I had been adopted. Why, yes. Yes I had been. I was born to an unwed mother, who, at the time, put down Michael Hobbs as my birth father. Whether she was certain of that or not, may never be determined.

The man who raised me as my father had adopted me in 1983. So I was told that I would have to go through the State of California for my birth certificate. When I received it, I was surprised to find that my birth name is Lelauna. WTF? I know that my mom didn't know how to spell Leilani, but she told me she took care of it. I figured that it wasn't going to be an issue because I have a Driver's License with my name, so no big deal.

That was until I tried to get a driver's license in my new state. No dice. They took one look at my birth certificate, and because it didn't match my other records, they told me HELL NO as far as getting a driver's license or even ID card. Great.

Just peachy. Now what? I started my petition for a name change. I went down to the county court house and paid $136 for court charges. They told me that I would have to publish it in the paper thrice. No worries. I could do this. Until I found out that it was going to cost an additional $299.79. ARE THEY CRAZY?? I can barely pay all the bills and have enough left over for food and diapers!

Dude, I could totally understand if I wanted to change my name to Penelope Pumpernickel Pewtersmith... but Leilani IS my name. It's on my driver's license, marriage license, my property taxes, my children's birth certificates, my high school diploma... I understand why they have these rules in place, but it's just so frustrating feeling like I can't get a driver's license here, even though I was able to get one in California. Granted, I don't know how much money my dad slipped the lady at the DMV because I assume the birth certificate he showed her back in 1996 said Lelauna as well...

So here I am without a legal name. The social security department said that they show my name was legally changed with them in 1992. But they don't keep records that long. So I petitioned the state of California for my legal name. They don't have record of a change. So how did my parents get my name changed with Social Security? They are the only ones who know.

Now I am holding all the pieces to this mystery. When I asked my parents (whom I no longer talk to; you'll see why over the course of my blog) they told me that I would know when the time is right and the universe is aligned. Right, let me tell the judge that. They'll sign off on it right away with THAT information.

Too much drama and stress over something that should have been made right in 1983.

So I am scared. I am going to be in court all alone. Trying to convince someone that I don't know, that this has always been my name and somewhere along the road a mistake was made. All I want is a driver's license. Now whether I can pass the written test... that is to be seen.

My very first post! Is it natural to be nervous?

2009-11-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Leilani and I am a Mormon.

I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on July 10th, 1980 to an unwed mother.

I am blogging to share my journey, in the hopes that other LDS folks might find the strength to leave the church from my experiences, or at the least take away some information that will help them with their doubts.

I state that I am Mormon because I have not yet written my resignation letter. Until I mail that letter in, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Even though I would be considered a Jack-Mormon. I consider myself a recovering Mormon.

My journey to Atheism started before I was even aware of the complexities of religion and the lack thereof.

I was blessed into the church by my Grandfather as a baby (as I had no father) and was baptized at the age of 8 in September 1988. I attended 4 years of seminary and was the champ of The good old Scripture Chase... I kicked ass during the lightning round. I had a testimony. During many Fast Sunday Sacrament Meetings I stood before the congregation and bore my testimony. I attended the single's ward after high school and have considered myself Mormon until November 2008.

I walked away from the Mormon church after I came to understand how big of a role they played in the Prop. 8 vote in California, where I lived at the time. I could no longer ignore the biggotry the Church promoted. And the more I found out about the church, the angrier I became. And the more I realized how much of a judgmental shrew I was growing up because of my beliefs, the more I knew I couldn't raise my children in that religion. Even though I turned out okay from being raised Mormon, I couldn't do it to my children after realizing all the flaws the Mormon church has.

I started my journey of pulling away from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints last November. I hope to be able to share my journey.

If you are ready to leave the Mormon church, please visit www.mormonnomore.com to find out how to get your name off the church records. It helped me immensely.